Saturday, February 07, 2004

The Wasted Day... 

so i did go into work today. got there at 12:15 after picking up the new letters from Kinkos.

i get there- no one else is there besides the Terrys so i start stamping envelopes. faith begins to help me. after this i think the new girl kathryn gets there. shes an older lady. apparently shes totally relocating down here to florida for this job. officially she is the executive assistant/head secretary. Ill tak about this more later. oh before she gets there deborah & i move some stuff around in the loft so we can get to the wall o books.

so then we eat. after we eat R- A- and Kathryn go upstairs to talk & to i dont know- organize. Im left downstairs with faith- deborah- and the boys. gary brought more envelopes over so i sit there stuffing and stamping & such.

4pm rolls around & i inform everyone that i have to go because i have school work to do. of course R gave me a hard time. he forgets that school is my first priority.

so i leave- go to moms to print out stuff on the computer- then i head home.

now im here. the roof of my mouth has been burned by pizza that was too hot. i have laundry washing right now & in a few minutes i will be taking it over to sis & bros to dry.

so about this new lady. i overhead A tell her that she will be getting her own desk & workspace & they are talking about the new office which is in faiths old bedroom & they are all talking about garys work space & kathryns workspace but make no mention of me. A said that once everything gets moved into the new office & everything- she & kathryn will go buy office supplies. well, i never got office supplies! i never got cool things to put on my make shift desk so that i could be organized & get things done!

i mean, i know im not out of the picture because R wants to put me on the books & he took out money from my paycheck yesterday for tax purposes. Deborah tells me that Im not being replaced. well it kind of looks like it! its as if all of my responsibilities are going over to kathryn. i dont know what im supposed to be doing.

and im afraid to ask R about it. I was going to email him tonight but Im too scared.

I dont know what my purpose is anymore in regard to working for him. what would be awesome is if i could be his employee- but spend all my time or half of it working on Xtreme Life. I could be the official Leader- the Leader above all the other Leaders.

I dont know whats becoming of that group. R is constantly going out of town & even when he is in town- his focus is on everything else. its like he has got us, well me because no one else is excited about it, excited about it & then dropped it like a bad habit. i feel as though if this thing is ever going to get up off the ground, i wil be the one to do it. but i dont know how.

and i asked jt for ideas & such the other night & he just said he would bring them to the next meeting. that bothered me. its as if because we arent dating anymore i cant know his thoughts- even in regards to something that we are both leaders in.

so yeah. im really bothered by my job right now & by Xtreme Life.

and im still trying to figure out how to pay for my laptop & for my trip to greece. i wonder when i will find out if i have been approved for my loan. if i am that will help tremendously. and i need to email one of the profs for a list of the payment dates.

i seriously cannot wait until i get my laptop. it will make my life abundantly easier.

so thats all. im just really confused right now.


and another thing. 

so i keep getting stuck listening to all these songs that i put on Jt.s christmas cd.

and what angers me is that i put so much time into those cds & the accompanying 40 plus page booklet. i laminated it! i included all of the lyrics to the songs- typed! i put in pictures of us & poems!

and i bet he never once truly looked through the book- page by page.
or listened to every song on those 2 cds.
all of the effort & feeling i put into that.

on top of the $80 watch i bought him- which he still wears.
he never got me a christmas present.
he never bought me much of anything.

and i bought him- and his brother- clothes- just because.

and so now when i hear these songs- i hurt.
and they mean nothing to him.

and what sickens me is that i can still look at him & miss him & want to be with him.
but i don.t really truly want to be with him- because he.s not the sensitive guy that i once dated. he.s much different & the qualities i thought he had- he no longer posseses.

why oh why did i ever get involved with that mess of a boy?
i guess i do still have moments of bitterness...

it.s to be expected, though, when you give everything & the other person gives nothing.


and now for a real entry. 

ok so tomorrow i go into work at 12pm.
not looking forward to it at all.
i wanted to try to get out of it but i decided against it because me telling randall no would really upset him.

i really should be studying like mad tomorrow.
if i go in at 12- who knows when I.ll have the chance to really study, you know? ug.

so i know i should be going to bed but i.m not tired.
but yet i have nothing else to do.

i got paid today- $300. it was supposed to be more but randall is putting deborah & i on the books- no more tax free under the table stuff. so i didn.t pay me the extra $92 i should have got. poo.

oh well. after i pay my cell phone bill i have to decide what i want to do with the rest of my money.

buy some cds? buy john mayer tickets? buy some jeans & clothes?

time will tell.


the first one. again. 

i deleted my first official post on here. i have no clue why. i just did.

i played around with the template for a little while. i got it to where i like it enough to want to write in here more. once i have more motivation or more time [yeah right] i plan on really fixing this puppy up.

i have windows media on random right now. some of these songs i have vowed not to listen to because i put them on the cds i made for jt for christmas. they make me sad. especially this particular one. "Comfortable" by john mayer.

just stick a dang knife through my heart.

music has a way of playing with my heart & my mind.



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